


Woman Like a Man

by tree



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Bad Fic, Bodyswapping, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-17
Updated: 2008-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tree/pseuds/tree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bodyswapping, an accidental proposal, three awkward penis jokes, and Mulder and Scully in a pear tree.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Woman Like a Man

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tamar's [bad!fic-a-thon](http://50thousandtearz.livejournal.com/515092.html).  
> Recipient: elapses
> 
> Disclaimer: No fictional characters were harmed in the writing of this bad!fic.
> 
> Notes: Title stolen from Damien Rice. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the sort of thing he meant when he wrote that song. Special thanks to mrO, who could probably make a living from writing bad!fic, he is that good. Heartfelt apologies to Lid. All errors in this fic are intentional. And even if they weren’t, I’ll pretend like they were later. Requirements listed at the end.

Special Agent Fox Mulder, or Mulder as he preferred to be called, woke with a feeling of happiness for the first time in longer than he could remember, which, given his eidetic memory, was a long time. Last night he had kissed his beautiful, wonderful partner Dana Scully for the second time! Well, actually she had kissed him, but in his drowsy half-awake state of mind, it all amounted to the same thing: his lips touching her lips and lingering softly for what had seemed both an eternity and entirely too short a time. It had just been a goodnight kiss, just like their New Year’s kiss a few weeks ago. Yet, it made his heart race and plastered a smile to his lips and he practically danced his way to bed, light as a butterfly, after Scully left.

Now, he anticipated the day to come in their basement office. They weren’t involved in any particular case, so he would have eight hours of uninterrupted Scully time. Time to admire her beautiful Titian hair (which he couldn’t really see properly because he was colorblind) and her rosebud pout. He hoped today would be one of the rare days she wore a skirt so he could admire the lines of her calves and imagine slipping his hands up underneath the hem to see what color underwear she was wearing. Or, if she was wearing any at all.

**Mmm, Scully’s underwear. I wonder if I have time to indulge in that little fantasy before it’s time to get up?**

He opened his eyes and blinked at the brightness.

**Thought I closed the blinds last night?**

Mulder rolled his head to the left and squinted at the alarm clock. At the alarm clock which wasn’t there.

**What the hell?**

He struggled into a sitting position and realized he was not in his bedroom. As he turned to look around and figure out where he was, his hair came around and brushed his cheek. Impatiently, he pushed it back behind his ear.

Behind his ear?

In horror, Mulder held out his right arm to find a pale and decidedly feminine limb. He shoved the covers away from his body and examined the rest of himself. Then he let out a girly scream. He jumped up and ran to the mirror and found himself looking into startled blue eyes. Scully’s blue eyes.

**I’m dreaming. I’ve got to be having a nightmare. Any minute I’ll wake up and it’ll be like the time I dreamt Tom Colton was my pool boy and performed his duties in a leopard print thong.**

Mulder opened and closed his eyes a few times. He pinched himself experimentally. He hopped up and down on one foot and then the other. That last was pretty intriguing, actually, as he watched his - Scully’s - breasts bounce up and down in a very attractive way. It was kind of turning him on. Forgetting himself for a minute, he reached down to touch his cock and it all came back to him in a horrible rush.

**I’ve been emasculated!**

Okay so maybe this wasn’t a dream. What the hell had happened? How the hell was he going to get his body back? Wait, his body! Who was in -his- body? If he had Scully’s body, didn’t it stand to reason that Scully had his body?

**Great! Scully will know what to do.**

Meanwhile, in Fox Mulder’s apartment, Dana Scully was summing up the situation fairly succinctly as she examined her - Mulder’s - body in the mirror. “Fuck,” she said in Mulder’s baritone. Then the phone rang.

“Scully,” she said, out of habit, and realized how weird it sounded in Mulder’s voice.

“Scully, thank god,” Mulder said. “What the hell is going on?”

Scully wondered if her voice always sounded like that when she used it. “How should I know, Mulder? I wake up this morning in your bed, in your -body- when I distinctly remember going to sleep last night in my own bed, in my own body! Furthermore, this sort of thing isn’t even possible, so I’ve decided that I am, in fact, dreaming.”

“Sorry, Scully, but I already nixed the dreaming idea. I pinched myself and I didn’t wake up. I jumped up and down for a while in front of the mirror.”

“Mulder, please tell me you haven’t done anything weird to my body.”

“Scully, I’m hurt that you would even suggest such a thing! I was just trying to gather evidence concerning our current predicament. I mean, you have to agree, it’s definitely an X-File. And you can’t tell me you weren’t even a little bit curious about how all my pieces fit together.”

“I don’t have to agree to anything, Mulder,” she sighed impatiently into the phone. “And furthermore, I’m a medical doctor, I know how the male body works.”

“So you didn’t take the wrapping off the package then, Scully? Attempt a little manual relief for the situation? Don’t forget, it’s my body. I know what it’s like when I first wake up?” **After I’ve been dreaming about you.**

He could almost hear her shaking her head at him through the phone line. “Crude innuendo aside, Mulder, we have to do something about this.”

**Oh great, Mulder, you asshole. Alienate the one person in the world you actually care about some more why don’t you?**

“Okay, Scully, why don’t I meet you at the office? Then we can try and figure out what’s going on.”

“All right, Mulder. I’ll see you there in an hour.”

He could tell she was about to hang up and he was struck with a sudden panic. “Scully, wait!”

“What is it, Mulder?”

“Uh, I need some help with the getting dressed part. I have some experience with -removing- bras, but not putting them on.”

There was silence on the other end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dana Scully parked in her usual space in the Hoover Building’s carpark and carefully exited the vehicle. Driving in Mulder’s body was a new experience. He was so much taller and just generally larger than she was that she kept having to adjust her spatial perception. Adjustment for the male genitals she’d inherited was also somewhat problematic. She had to keep adjusting herself as they moved around inside her -his- underwear. It really was ridiculous. As many times as she’d fantasised about Mulder, about his body and what it would feel like to touch him, this had certainly never entered her mind.

She was just performing another minute adjustment in her pants when a familiar voice startled her.

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, Mulder?”

Spinning around, she found herself face to face with Alex Krycek, who grabbed her and kissed her, hard.

“What the hell, Krycek?” she spluttered and pushed him away, harder than she’d intended. She’d have to remember her -Mulder’s- increased strength.

“Oh, Fox,” he cried. “I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you, and especially later when I saw you in that red speedo! I just want us to be together and now my dreams are going to come true thanks to that bastard Cigarette Smoking Man and his evil Consortium.”

Scully stared at him, befuddled. “Krycek, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you and me together at last, my love! Yesterday I injected you with a new experimental drug that the Consortium has developed. When it spreads into your body and mixes with your saliva, the first person you exchange saliva with–” at this he leered, “will exchange consciousnesses with you the next time you sleep. And since I’m the only person who’s kissed you lately, by this time tomorrow I’ll know what it’s like to feel you inside and out!”

Scully backed away from the deranged look on his face and scrabbled for her gun. “So, what, you and Mul–I mean, me–so you and I are going to just live happily ever after in each other’s bodies? Is that it, Krycek?”

Krycek smiled evilly and amusedly. “Oh no. Once we have sex the compound will be purged and our consciousnesses will revert back to their original bodies. By then I know you’ll love me just as I love you.”

“Krycek, you’re insane if you think I’m going to sleep with you. Oh, and by the way I’m not Mulder, I’m Scully. We kissed last night and woke up this morning in each other’s bodies. So your plan hasn’t worked out the way you wanted it to. And now I’m going to shoot you.”

She shot him. He lay on the ground, wailing heartbrokenly, clutching his left knee. “Oh Fox, Fox, how could you do this to me? Noooooooooooooo!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scully ran to the basement office as fast as she could, which, considering the length and strength of Mulder’s legs, was pretty fast. She might actually miss this once she was back in her own body.

**Wait, what am I thinking?** she thought.

As she raced into the office, she almost barrelled into Assistant Director Skinner.

“Problem, Agent Mulder?” asked the stern-faced, bald man.

“Uh, no sir. No problem,” replied Scully as she caught the frantic gestures of negation Mulder -she- was sending her.

“Good.” He looked at her for a moment and Scully attempted to appear as Mulder-like as she possibly could. “I was just telling Agent Scully that I need to see all your outstanding case reports on my desk by the end of the week. Since I know you’re not currently on an active case, I assume this won’t be a problem.”

Scully nodded jerkily. “No problem. No problem at all sir.”

She waited until she heard the elevator doors closing and then closed the office door and turned to face Mulder.

It was so weird seeing her body as though it belonged to someone else. Which, she supposed, it did for the moment. Mulder had done an okay job of dressing himself. She’d half been afraid she’d come in and find herself slutted up for the day.

“I know what’s going on, Mulder, and I know how to fix it,” she told him.

Mulder heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank God, Scully. What do we have to do?”

“We’ve got to have sex.” At the words she felt her -Mulder’s- cock jump. Mulder himself was looking at her as if she’d just spoken in Reticulan.

“We what?”

“I saw Krycek in the parking garage. He…accosted me and told me that he’d injected me -you- with a compound that allowed the initial exchange of consciousness between individuals with the exchange of saliva. Apparently to reverse the process we have to exchange other bodily fluids.”

Mulder looked at her with confusion. “Why would Krycek want you and I to switch bodies?”

Scully ran a hand through Mulder’s hair. “It wasn’t you and I who were supposed to switch. It was you and Krycek.”

“Why would Krycek want to switch bodies with me?” he asked.

Scully cleared her throat and scuffed at the floor. “Uh, he said something about having always loved you and wanting to be with you forever. And he called me -you- Fox.”

Mulder stared at her, mouth open in shock.

“Don’t worry,” she reassured him. “I shot him.”

“You shot him?” he gasped.

“In the knee. I imagine someone will find him eventually.”

“Oh.”

“So, about having sex so we can switch back?” Scully tapped her foot impatiently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had decided to go to Scully’s apartment since it was nicer than Mulder’s and she had a bigger bed. They drove there separately and Mulder was still having trouble driving with Scully’s short little legs, not to mention her high heels. It’d been hell all morning just trying to walk and not fall over.

He was trying to think about Krycek and the compound and the Consortium’s evil plots, but all he could really think about was having sex with Scully. Scully and sex. Sex with Scully. Finally all his daydreams and fantasies were going to come true and he could show her the man he really was. Except he was a woman. But maybe after they’d done it and then gone back to being themselves she’d want to do it again. God, he hoped she’d want to do it again. He was getting wet just thinking about it and his nipples were hard. How did Scully manage to go through every day with these sorts of distractions? He was glad this hadn’t happened on a weekend or he might never have gotten out of bed.

He parked outside Scully’s building and walked inside with her up to her apartment. Outside the door were two figures that he realized, with dread, he recognised.

“Mom?” Scully said, in his voice, and he shot her a look. “I mean, Mrs Scully?” she amended quickly. “What are you doing here? And Bill?”

“We’re here to see my sister, you sorry son of a bitch, as if it’s any of your business,” Bill retorted.

Mulder winced as Scully’s -his- eyes widened with what looked like hurt. “Hi, uh, Mom, Bill,” he rushed in, awkwardly. “What are you doing here in the middle of the day?”

“We wanted to surprise you,” said Mrs Scully, hugging Mulder. “Billy’s in town for a few days on assignment and we thought it would be nice to give you a little early birthday surprise. We were just going to let ourselves in with the key you gave me for emergencies and cook you some dinner.”

“That’s really nice, Mom,” Mulder said, looking helplessly at Scully. “But Sc–I mean, Mulder and I have some work to do right now and tonight. Really important work,” he emphasized. Scully nodded. “Maybe you could come back tomorrow?”

“What the hell, Dana?” Bill demanded, demandingly. “Why are you always going off with this guy who is ruining your life instead of being here with your family who loves you?”

“Now, come on Billy,” Mrs Scully interjected, taking his arm. “You know Dana’s work is important to her. We can certainly wait another day.” She kissed Mulder on the cheek and then Scully, and lead a scowling Bill Scully down the hall.

Mulder looked at Scully and saw the pain in her eyes. Not being able to communicate with her family or defend herself to her brother really hurt her, he knew.

“It’s okay, Scully,” he told her. “Everything will be back to normal soon.”

She nodded sadly and they entered her apartment.

They stood inside the door looking at each other for a moment. “Do you want something to drink?” Scully asked, finally.

Mulder shook his -her- head. He licked his suddenly dry lips. “I think we should just try and get this over with.” He watched Scully’s face fall.

**Oh my god, why did I say that? I am such an asshole and I do not deserve her. She is so beautiful and wonderful and all I do is hurt her.**

“Scully, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

She nodded. “It’s okay, Mulder. I know what you meant.”

But he wasn’t sure that she did. He’d wanted to make love to her for so long, sometimes it was all he thought about. And now he’d finally been given the opportunity by Krycek, of all people, in a cruel twist of fate that meant he wasn’t even himself.

He followed her to the bedroom and they paused in front of the bed.

“I think we should just get undressed and get into bed. We don’t have to pretend that it’s anything other than what it is,” she said.

“What if I want to pretend?” he asked.

Her smile was so beautiful and so blinding that he almost wept. “Scully, I’ve wanted you for so long and if this is the only way I get to have you, I’ll take whatever I can get. I just want you.”

“Oh, Mulder, I want you too!” Scully cried.

They began tearing off their clothes, keeping hungry eyes on each other. It was weird, watching his own body and becoming aroused by it, but he supposed it was partly Scully’s body’s response and partly because he knew that it was really Scully in there. He was pretty sure he didn’t actually want to have sex with himself.

Once they were naked, they climbed under the covers and began to kiss. Mulder was so aroused he was squirming, the sensation of Scully’s body’s arousal exciting him even further.

Scully began stroking his breasts and playing with his nipples and he moaned. In retaliation, he grasped her cock and began pumping it in a familiar rhythm. Then it was her turn to moan. It was amazing because they knew exactly how to touch their own bodies to receive the maximum amount of pleasure.

“Oh, Scully,” he moaned. “Dana, I love you so much.”

“Oh, Fox,” she moaned in return. “I love you too.”

She plunged her enormous cock inside his hot, tight opening and he almost passed out from the pleasure. Judging by the expression on her -his- face, Scully was feeling it too.

“Oh Fox,” she sighed, as she began pumping in and out of him. “I want to stay like this forever. I want to be with you forever.”

“Oh Dana,” he replied, in ecstasy and love. “I want to marry you too.”

She stopped and he whimpered a little. “That’s not what I meant, Fox.”

“You mean you don’t want to marry me, Dana?”

She frowned a little. “I don’t know, Fox. I haven’t thought about it. I think we need more time to think about something like that. I just meant that I wanted to fuck you forever because it feels so good.”

“But you love me, right?”

“Of course I do.”

“That’s all I need, Dana. I just need you to love me,” he paused and looked at her lasciviously. “And for you to keep fucking me, of course.”

Soon their rhythmic coupling brought them to ecstasy and they came simultaneously crying out each other’s names.

“Fox!”

“Dana!”

Then they fell asleep, sated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later Mulder woke feeling a little sticky and with an emotion of happiness that was more than he’d ever felt before. He opened his eyes to see the tousled hair of his lover spread across the pillow and felt the soft warmth of her little backside pressed tight against his burgeoning erection.

**And we’re back!** he thought in triumph. Now he would finally get to make love to Dana as himself. For as long as he wanted, as often as he wanted. Well, as often as she wanted to, too. But given her moans and screams from earlier, he was pretty sure she’d want to do it as often as he did.

He moved a hand down her body to cup her and felt her wet and ready for him. He felt her wake as she let out a long, drawn out moan. She reached between them to caress his pulsating member.

“Did you bring your flashlight to bed, or are you just happy to see me Agent Mulder?”

Easing her body into the right position, he plunged his hot, hard length into her waiting love cave.

“Let me introduce you to the -real- Agent Mulder.”

“Oh, Fox,” Dana moaned.

He smiled as he began pumping into her fantastic body. She was the most beautiful, wonderful woman on earth and now they would always be together.

–

required elements:

bodyswapping - check  
accidental proposal - check  
reference to love at first sight - check  
lame thought narration - check  
three awkward penis jokes - 1, 2, 3, check (actually I think they’re more lame than anything, but I did my best)  
Krycek - check  
Skinner - check  
Tom Colton - check  
two random Scullys - check

I FEEL SO DIRTY!


End file.
